Hipsters, Beards & The Elf on the Shelf

Christmas is just around the corner and with that, for most men, comes what I call the “Santa Complex”…

Let’s face it, we are all knee deep in these burly man beards by now. I’m not sure at what point in the year it turned from that super sexy GQ stubble version of a 5 o’clock shadow into the grizzly, backwoods lumber-jack version. But it happened. And by late November, Middle Tennessee is crawling with them. Like the good wife that I am, your facial hair is your business. I love you clean shaven- as the day I met you or with your oiled up hipster facial hair. But let me warn you men… at some point, just like the light up reindeer display on the front lawn, it will have to go.

The question is HOW? How in this crazed society, enthralled with this creepy beard movement, do we as women, rid ourselves of the hideous hair? Your wait is over ladies… I have had a breakthrough of epic proportions and I am about to let you in on the biggest secret ever…

The Elf on the Shelf.

What’s that? Oh you don’t know? You don’t have kids or have never walked the aisles of your local Target nor Barnes & Nobles. Let me fill you in… this “Elf on the shelf” comes in a fabulous box with a story book accompanying him or her. He comes with a variety of hair and eye color options these days, so you can select the perfect little elf to keep your adorable munchkins in line before Christmas. For all intents and purposes he is just a Christmas tool, used to enforce Santa’s Naughty or Nice list. He watches your kids and then when they fall asleep he heads back to the North Pole each night to report on the daily activities. He comes back and then positions himself in a new spot around the house. The fun is in finding what he has done or where he is hiding the next day.

Let me just admit something to you… I have been a lazy parent. The first year we got the elf, we didn’t even name him. My son was 6 and my daughter barely 1. I had sleepless nights, days filled with homeschooling a reluctant Kindergartener and no motivation to be the super parent with ultimate creative powers used to display the elf in extreme theatrical scenes. He was not found sitting on our couch watching movies with a bowl of popcorn spilling over or fighting off toy dinosaurs with my son’s nerf guns. Nor was our elf ever found being held hostage, taped to our walls by mini army soldiers. Last year, the elf didn’t even make it out of storage…

But not this year! “Viva La Revolución” I cried in my little heart as my OCD tried to take over the joy of decorating the family Christmas tree. Our Thanksgiving plans had been derailed due to the large accumulation of snow in upstate New York last week and we were now staying in Nashville for the Holidays. So what better to do than unpack the tree and set up the lovely Christmas decor. Deep within a box, underneath stockings and cookie cutters laid the Elf On The Shelf’s shiny packaging. My now 3 year old daughter reached in and pulled it out saying, “What’s this Daddy?”

The magic unfurled. The story read and little eyes lit up with delight as they were fed the mythical tale of Santa’s elf. Together with Dad, the kids picked his name. Freggle. I’m sure it’s a mix of Fraggle Rock and Freggly from Diary of A Wimpy Kid, but either way, both kids were satisfied. And so it began 2 days ago…

Now I am pretty certain things started a bit too early. There was no pre-game warm up for Freggle. He was just thrown into it cold turkey, right before Thanksgiving. I’m not positive on this, but I don’t think his elf duties are supposed to start until December 1st, or at least until after Black Friday! But we went in hard… we had a pep talk with him and we decided “Go Big or Go Home” would be the Christmas motto this year. After all, it is our first Christmas in our new house and there was no time to waste on subtleties.

Since we all have Thanksgiving meals to prep for, let me cut to the chase. Ladies, remember the beards? Let your Elf make quick work of it!

Here is what happened last night in my home…

In the morning my husband awoke to a text message from the elf along with those images, it simply said…

“Hey Old Man Hipster, this Christmas, Santa is the only one with a beard!”

Do you have an Elf on the Shelf? What does your family do with him? Or maybe you have other family Christmas traditions… leave a comment with what you do or plan to do this year!